Struggling with the addiction: When I left Hannah at a Drug Rehab

God I can’t do this.  It’s too much for me.

I can’t leave her in this place.

People falling down, nodding, drug deals in the waiting room, people walking around high, desperate for help.

My heart breaking. “I cannot do this, Lord.”

I go to bathroom, the filth on the floor, the blood on the walls.

I’m overcome.  I can’t hold my head up.  I lean on the wall, face up to heaven.

“I can’t do this, Lord.  I can’t. “

I want to run with her, wrap my daughter in her blanket, put her on my lap and kiss away the tears.

That will be okay, won’t it, Lord?  Because I can’t do it this way.

Is this why you told me weeks ago, “Let her go?”

No, I can’t do this.  You can’t want us to do it like this, can you?

It must be done.  It’s one of our last chances.

Where is the peace?  Where is your voice?

Tears and desperation land on that filthy wall.

Oh searing deepest agony.

Then comes the moment I must choose.  Then comes what I know.

I don’t feel a thing.  I don’t have a thing to cling to, except what I know.

“I’m not hearing you, Lord.”

I just know one thing:  You promised you would never leave me.

I’m not abandoned in this place.

All these years of walking with you, even when I turned my back on you, you never left me.  You never let me go.

It’s all I know now, but I still don’t have the resolve.

Submission.  Oh, Jesus, give me strength.  I didn’t think the road would be like this.

Then come the words from my husband:  “Maybe this is where God wants her right now.”

Could it be, Lord?  You want her….here?

Oh, God, please.  My world is awash with tears.

Let her go.  God’s hand is in this place, too.

Wipe the tears.

Walk out of the bathroom.

He will give you the strength.

Yes, you will leave her in this place.

Yes, God knows what He’s doing.

Yes, you are leaving her here.

Here……. where is here?

Here…. in the very hands of God.

Feel free to leave a comment if this letter spoke to you in some way. 

1 Comment

  1. Jp

    How hard it must have been to leave Hannah there. How fiercely you wanted her well and how deep your love for her.


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